Hi Sheila: First, let me apologize for not answering your email more promptly, especially if my not doing so caused you any anxiety! I've been a little out of gas mentally and emotionally since the holidays were over. We weren't sure how Christmas was going to be having it at home for the first time w/o Zach. Mostly because Lex and Seth were here for a good while and had planned family activities, the season ended up being very good, but then I personally just bottomed out afterwards, but not really because of Zach - more just life itself - Jim's gone all the time travelling with work, Sam is just coming off of a year and half of injuries, involving constant trips to Pittsburgh, and on and on. I'm better now although not quite where I want to be. When feeling low, sometimes it's hard to know just what the cause is, but I'm working on it and putting more time into Scripture too.
I am truly glad to hear from you. Be assured there is no right or wrong in dealing with what happened to Zach and you and Jake on April 21 2007. Your experience is unique although sometimes we can learn from others (reading about how surviving Jews dealt with the loss of their family members during the Holocaust, for example). When I read your April 20th 2008 post on Zach’s Myspace, I realized for the first time how you and perhaps Jake have felt that Zach "saved your lives." I'd (stupidly, no doubt) never even thought of that. I knew those frantic hours of trying to get him help were horrific and that your "experience" was far worse than mine. Truly.
My experience was actually a faith-building one, I believe. I say that because I believe God spoke to me and was preparing me for it hours before I got the news. And, since that time, I've felt like God has intervened in my thoughts with answers and assurances that came from beyond myself. For example, when I was really feeling sad and wanting Zach back one morning, I heard Zach (not audibly but how you hear your own thoughts, except that this seemed interjected into my thoughts) say, " Mo-omm, I'm w-i-t-h Jesus!" That little reminder was huge and I remember it still when those sad feelings come. Christmas morning, at some point, I started to tear up but was stopped by thinking how we gave Zach our blessings to not come home for Christmas in 2006 so he could take advantage of the opportunity to travel around England and see the castles he always loved. To me, Zach is travelling around heaven now and I'd never call him back from that experience.
God also gave me an explanation for why Zach is no longer earthbound. Basically, I hear God saying something like, "Zach, you have seen many of the places and people I have created on Earth, but now I want you to come with Me because I have far greater things to show you!" The history for this is a video I've watched a couple times, called "Indescribable," by Louis Giglio. There's a lot of dialog in the video, directed to teens, before getting to the parts that are significant to me - where he starts showing pix from the Hubble telescope and talking about earth and the universe through which I glimpsed some of the bigness of God. There's a link to it where you can actually watch online, but the small screen does not do it justice. (http://ronsworld.wordpress.com/2007/09/09/louie-giglios-indescribable-dvd/)
What gets to me in this video is the actual satellite images of the universe - incredible light shows going on far, far into the outer reaches of space. Then there's tiny, tiny earth, more or less (seems to me) nestled in a narrow blue band of light w/in our solar system. I've wondered how God manages to know what we are all doing and thinking, and how can He hear all our prayers, but then when you see the enormity of the Creation beyond earth, the question seems absurd. Then earth, in comparison to the rest of the universe, makes me believe in the tenderness and love of God for us. Earth seems to be like his "pet project" - something he has tucked away in a safe place that He cares for the way a mother cares for her infant child. And, I know that God loves us so much, and I believe he reached out for Zach because He wanted to take Zach to see wonderful things way beyond Earth - a personal journey with our Father God.
I don't think about what Zach is not getting to do here - because while some of those things are good, they're just shadows of what God has taken him on to experience! I would never call him back. (I also recall what Paul writes in one of his letters, that his desire is to die and go and be with Jesus, but that it is better for the ones to whom he’s writing, that he remain in order to bolster their faith.)
I'd love to share the actual video, best watched on a big screen, with you. Maybe when you come to PA. I have to find it though and I hope I haven't loaned it to someone and not gotten it back. Have to look. It impacted me a lot when I saw it probably in 2005 or 2006 at church. Then I bought it and we watched it at home and shared with others. I know that God put this before me in preparation for Zach's departure.
God has been so kind and gracious to me and blessed me so enormously, allowing me to be Zach's mother and to just know him. He was gracious to me in our last time together, Christmas 2005 as well, because there was a very sweet time between Zach and I where we really connected in faith and forgiveness over something and we knew each others’ hearts, and it was very good.
So, writing these things I think is helping my spirits. I hope that my experiences will help you too and that you will hear from God personally as well. I can't make God speak to me, nor can you make him speak to you. Giving Him your time, reading His word or a good devotional (like Oswald Chambers' My Utmost for His Highest), having fellowship with other believers, all these things help our spirits to be in tune with His Spirit. Most of the times that God has seemed to personally minister to me have been times when I was sitting reading the Bible or praying.
ABOUT YOUR TRIP - We would, of course, love to have you and Jake come here and stay with us if that at all works with your plans! Sam's new soccer team has applied to play in a tournament Mar 20-22 and we are waiting to hear if they've been accepted. Other than that we should be home.
If you want to share the things that trouble or haunt you, I am here for you. I don't know if I will have answers. The answers I have for myself came more from without me than within me. I do feel confident in God that whether you get clear answers or peace, that God is mindful of your struggle and will either keep you where you are or lead you out. God’s ways are far above ours and he works according to His will, not ours. I feel confident in the answers I have gotten because I believe they're in agreement with what God has revealed in His Word rather than being confident in any personal "experience." There are other areas in my life where God leaves me struggling and frustrated!
I apologize for this being a rather long email. You can read it in parts, over several days
though! Anyway, something else I’m
thinking about is just how much older I am and thinking about when I was your
age. When I actually was about your age,
I’d already dealt with sudden death several times. First, my mother was murdered by my alcoholic
step-father, then my grandfather (who’d been more a father and w/whom I’d
always lived) died unexpectedly in a minor surgery, and then at the conclusion
of a day of water-skiing, my older husband (age 39) died as we drove home in
our truck, pulling our boat. While we were singing to the radio, he suddenly
fell forward on the steering wheel and was dead.
I didn’t have a Christian worldview completely put together
back then, just bits and pieces. I did
some stupid stuff – maybe similar to you.
But, as I look back at my life, God definitely brought the missing
pieces into place over years. I think a
huge question that always hung over me was to what purpose did I exist? I thought a lot about the fact that I could
just quit – die or cease to leave my bed catatonically, and it would not make
one bit of difference in the world.
Maybe just for a short time, a few people would be affected, but then
life would go on. I have come a long
way! Because sitting alone, right now
in my house, not seeing anyone except Sam today, I know that how I spend my
minutes is of ultimate value to God.
Everything I do, think, etc., I want to do for God to honor Him. He gave
me life and set me in this beautiful world and blesses me. I mostly don’t
think about this (to my shame), but when I do, this is what I want! And, He must know and gives me opportunities
to serve Him as in sharing with you today.
So, I will pray that this very long email can be useful to
Him to bring His love and guidance to you!
Let us hear from you and we hope you can include us in some
part of your plans to come east!
We love you.
Alison
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