Note: I don't know if I actually sent all or any of this to my friend. Maybe bits and pieces, I'm just not sure now.
One
of the hardest "thoughts" you have is about the length of time faced
w/this hole in your life. You'll keep thinking, "Okay, I got through x
weeks, now it's time for he/she to come back and for this to stop." It's still uncomfortable for me to think
about ongoing time w/o Zach. We have a
pretty close family, but Zach was definitely the hub about which we all rotated
b/c of his incredible wit and wisdom, and so nothing, especially holidays are
fun like they used to be. They're fine, but we don't have the raucous
belly-laughing fun times Alexa made a
video of all our Christmases. We'll
watch it every Christmas, cry, and pray he knows how much we love and miss
him.
It’s hard, painful, seemingly impossible, and you may not
even want to get through it. I don’t
think there’s a “how-to” guide for you, but, surprisingly, I did come across a website( http://www.athealth.com/consumer/disorders/parentalgrief.htmlthis) afternoon that
I thought had a lot to offer! Check it
out, seriously. There are sections that won’t apply but there’s some good stuff
there, good insights. Somehow it helps, a little, to know that others have gone
through what you’re going through. On
the site, I related to how other
families had done different things to try and keep their missing child as still
a part of the family. I moved into Zach’s bedroom and I love it in there b/c it
makes me feel close to him, and I have the big pix of him from the funeral on
the walls; on the other hand, my husband can’t even come in the room b/c it upsets
him. Alexa has a place in her apartment
that’s like a little museum
of Zach’s stuff. But, we’re almost 3 years down the road now. I do believe you need to have someone or
ones that you can talk to. I don’t have
any contact info for you, or I’d just call.
I have some appointments this week (hair, dr. dentist stuff) but Jim’s
out of town and Sam won’t be home for another week so I’d like to get together,
unless you already have people you can talk openly with, but I don’t want you
to think I’d pry, but I’m a good listener.
One thing it says on the website, and I agree with it, is
that your child, whether here or gone, will always be your child. I think about Zach as much as I do my other
two; he’s still a huge part of my life.
I missed him terribly while he was away in the Air Force and that just
continues.
If there was a "how to" guide that could be
written, someone would probably make a lot of money from it. And I guess how one gets through is pretty
unique to each person. I do not know of anyone who did not get through it -
please count on getting through. As moms I'm not sure we have a choice anyway.
I met with a woman who worked for my dentist for a year or so. Her son had
killed himself after he was already packed and ready to go back for his
sophomore year of college. The family saw no clues leading up to it. This happened before Zach, which was Apr
2007, and I saw her before this past Thanksgiving and happy to sense she was at least a little bet better,
and her daughter, late 20s, was coming home for Thanksgiving for the first
time. When someone surmounts any hurtle in this struggle, it is joyous. But when you are
hurting, you don't want to ever be joyous again, and that's okay b/c it is
where you start from. People will tell
you, "it takes time," and that's true but not particularly helpful. I think that you just eventually get
comfortable with the sorrow. As a mom, you carry not just your own sorrow but also the sorrow for the sorrow of your other children who must also find a way carry the pain that has fallen on them.
‘
My Christian worldview helped me to accept what had happened
and avoid self-pity ( a huge trap that one feels entirely entitled to) and be
strong for everyone else. But accepting
is a mental/faith thing that does not mean you do not still hurt and
sorrow. Losing my first husband was a
pretty horrible experience. We'd been water-skiing and having a beautiful day.
As we drove home, pulling our boat behind us, and singing, he fell forward on
the steering wheel and was dead. The
first night my plan was to kill myself. I was staying with friends who lived
nearby my home. I got up at 4 a.m. to go to my house, but outside was my
husband's older brother, sitting in his van in the friend's driveway. Because he'd
had some agreement with my husband to do this, he’d driven from Cleveland to Sterling,
VA, and so I was never left alone for a good
while. ......I could go on and on.
The best thing I can hope for you for right now is to have a
friend you can really talk to. You are on my mind pretty constantly; if you get to the point you want to talk,
I'll come. I'm crying now as I think
about your child b/c you know this didn't have to be and that's a situation I haven't
dealt with although many have. I imagine it makes it a million times worse,
which means you need a million times more support and help.
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